Sandra Hudson

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Archives for April 2019

April 18, 2019 by Sandra

Why I Want My Children to Fail

children and failure

Every parent wants what is best for their children. We work hard to provide necessities and the extras. We want them to have fun at that dance class, participate in travel ball tournaments, or even go on that mission trip. We plan, we save, we hover, we stress, and we protect our kids at all costs. We want to see our kids succeed and thrive. We do not want to see them struggle, hurt or suffer at even the smallest things. I have a confession to make about my parenting style and you may not agree with me here, but……..
I want my children to fail.
Trust me, I want what is best for my kids, but the best is not a free ticket to success. The one life lesson that they will take with them into adulthood is figuring out how to work hard in the process and how to be humble and grateful when you reach success.

Children and Failure

I get it…… letting your kids fail can sound harsh, and it’s scary. But failure teaches valuable life skills in real-life situations. Unfortunately, an unintended side effect of this is that we have raised a generation of children who don’t know what it feels like to truly fail, but they are never given the chance to learn the valuable lessons that come with failing — like brushing themselves off from defeat, then having the perseverance and drive to rise back up again. We start and continue to keep our kids from failing with the best of intentions, but WE don’t want to see them unhappy, WE are afraid of how others will view us as parents if our kids fail, and WE think by rushing in to save the day that we are actually saving the day. We are on their side of disappointment, reassuring them defeat is rarely (if ever) their fault, and that any sort of failure is shameful and disgraceful. This is not what I want to instill in my children.
We, as parents, have perpetuated the notion that failure, in any form, is unacceptable and intolerable. Have you ever wondered why there are so many young adults who are suffering from anxiety, depression, and a complete lack of “how to cope” with real-life when it comes at them? It sounds harsh, but the hardest thing we can do is let them experience real, actual, EPIC failure.
I have been struggling with these thoughts for a while now. In fact, James and I discussed this very topic on our latest podcast episode this week. Check it out here and let me know what you think.

How can we help our children grow through failure?

1. Share Your Failures with Your Children

While your children may constantly rebel against you, they still put you on a pedestal and think more highly about their parents than anyone else. Tell them about how you have failed in your own life. Share with them your struggles at work — and even better, ask them how you should handle the situation. Encourage them to exercise their problem-solving abilities by developing potential solutions to your roadblocks.

2. Allow Opportunities for Failure

Obviously, I don’t mean deliberately imposing catastrophic failures on your children. I simply mean giving them the space to fail. Encourage them to tackle complex problems, try new things, and push their boundaries. Just like introducing germs to a baby can stimulate the immune system and prevent against future infections. Letting your children fail can help them build the resilience they will need as adults. Isn’t that the goal? To grow little people into capable adults?

3. Turn Failure into a Learning Moment

When your children fail, approach their failure — not with disappointment or angst — but with curiosity. Isn’t it interesting how sometimes things work and other times they don’t? Let’s figure out what happened here.

4. Treat Success and Failure the Same

We assume success and failure are binary outcomes, but they are not. The line between the two can be thin, and we sometimes ignore it. Learning moments for children should follow both success and failure. We tend to attribute our children’s success to their genius abilities or good genes, and we simply ignore the fact that luck and privilege play in the process. So, regardless of the outcome, ask, “What went right here? What went wrong? What can you learn from this?”

The sooner we teach our children that true success can only come after being knocked down and getting back up over and over again, the better chance they will have at succeeding when life throws curve balls at them.
From my heart to yours,

Sandra

By the way, this post is pure gold. You should follow these strategies in your own life, as much as you do with your children. Never stop learning!

April 1, 2019 by Sandra

Life is too Short for Small Talk and Fake Friends

small talk and fake friends

Small Talk and Fake Friends

Have you ever struggled with finding true friendship? I’m talk about that long-lasting friendship where they will see you at your worst, and still love and support you. If you have a relationship like this, then you have a treasure. For adults, it may be harder to find. I am pretty much an introvert in my core.  My brain is always processing and reading people, body language, and situations. I literally get anxiety thinking about making small talk with someone I do not know. This led me to this thought…….

Life is too short for small talk and fake friends!
Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional playdate at the park or a mom get-together, but the truth is, I would rather have a friend whom I could go to dinner with and cry about our sorrows over tacos and margaritas. If the occasional playdate doesn’t lead me to that kind of friendship eventually…… then I’m not interested.

Current Status

I am at a point in my life where I need a friend who will keep it real and talk about the hard stuff. I need someone who will not judge me if I say I really dislike my kids today. I need someone who isn’t afraid to admit it either. You can only do that with friends who will let their guard down, transcend superficiality and are willing to go there with you. I want friends who are willing to get down in the trenches with me about life and sit there with me as I get through it. You see, I am in the thick of life right now. I have two young children who I pretty much shuffle around all day. I have a work-from-home job (that I love and keeps me sane). I have a very supportive husband but he also travels a lot for work, and I have a high-maintenance dog that demands loads of attention. On my good days, I am a hot mess. On bad days, I’m holding it together with glue and a prayer.
I want to be a good person, a good friend, but I don’t have the time or energy for games. I can’t spend my few free hours on “friends” who only call when they need something or are passive-aggressive when we have a misunderstanding. I don’t want to worry about every word that comes out of my mouth or getting judged on my every move. I don’t want to compete with other women, in how we look, or parent, or by the success of our kids. I am too tired at the end of the day to pretend that I am something that I am not.

fake friends

Love Those Authentic Friends

With that being said, I am definitely blessed. I have made—and sustained—friendships that satisfy my hunger for authentic relationships. We have been through the birth of our children and the death of loved ones. We’ve drank, laughed and cried buckets of tears as our family moved across the country. We have celebrated when the kids we love as our own reach milestones and shared wine on evenings when we thought we couldn’t be mothers for one more minute—surviving only because we had each other.
We have hard conversations when honesty—no matter how brutal—was the kindest thing we could offer and held our tongues when we knew someone just needed to vent. We have given marriage advice and encouragement. We have bared our souls in front porch conversations and kept secrets safe from the outside world. No judgment. No expectations. No animosity. No keeping score. Only love, acceptance and a whole lot of laughter. Life is short, and you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Closing Thoughts

At this point in my life, I am struggling to find one real relationship in our big, new city but I am hopeful. With continued prayers, I will continue to put in my hours at the playdates and PTA in hopes to cultivate a relationship that will extend to tacos and margaritas………..and hopefully an authentic relationship. Want to know more about how I got here? Check out this post.

From my heart to yours,

Sandra

If you enjoyed this post, I would love to connect and be your Facebook friend.
Please join our Facebook community group called Inspiring Beauty in the Mess here.

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